This Is NOT Us

In my mind, there’s always a tinge of excitement when I think about the holiday decorations, the food, the time off from work. I see my future in a warmly-lit glow in my mind as we all smile around the table… until I come back to reality and remember that my life is not an episode of This Is Us, Mandy Moore is NOT my mom, and, in fact, no soft music will ever play over the meaningful conversations I have with my ever-so-eager-to-listen children. Yes, in fact, this is NOT us. NBC, you paint a wonderful family picture, but…

Reality? Yeah… let’s talk about that.

Family is hard…but fun; it’s messy…but fulfilling; sometimes it’s just plain uncomfortable. You often feel like you’re tiptoeing on eggshells that have landmines buried beneath them. And your love for your family somehow never seems to erase your memories of the dysfunction and wounds from your past. Why is that? BEATS. ME. And I’m not going to sit here and pretend I have all the answers or a family that has it all together. I’m just a lost sheep in this as much as anyone. However, I do feel like the Lord has been speaking to me about this family topic a lot lately. Probably because I’m constantly sending up prayer questions like “Jesus, how do I get the Pearson/Tanner/Cosby family dynamic for my OWN life? God, why does hugging some of my relatives often feel like the delicate dance of an ‘awkward family photo’? (trust me, just google that!). Jesus, why do my failures not turn into beautiful teachable moments for my kids, where tears flow, lessons are learned, and you can feel the trajectory of their lives instantly change?” Needless to say, I’m hungry for wisdom, here. And while Jesus isn’t necessarily ‘comin’ in hot’ for me on this topic, He IS dropping small morsels for me to digest and learn from. What Reese’s Pieces are to E.T., God nuggets are to Ashton Harwood. Hahaha!

Ok, but for real, now.

Because I’ve been all over the map in the family dysfunction category AND because I’m now trying to create a different family picture for my own small humans, I feel like God has been giving me insights when it comes to two categories in particular: Doing family when you’re NOT the parent (maybe you’re the daughter, the niece, the grandchild…) and Doing family when you ARE the parent. So, that’s how I want to break it down.

Insights on navigating healthy family dynamics when you are NOT the parent:

Choosing to see the best, assume the best, and celebrate the best in your family members will never lead you to regret. Disciplining yourself to have this mindset keeps you in a heart posture of continual pursuit of connection. And… I know! This is hard! With friends, it’s easy to believe the best because you haven’t seen every ugly moment, every mistake; you haven’t witnessed them at their worst. But with family, you know too much, you’ve seen more than you want to. And it’s all too easy to write a story in your mind of who they really are or draw some big conclusion about their motives towards you—sealing them in your mind as someone incapable of change. But—I say this in truth and love—choosing not to continue to pursue them is choosing not to bring Jesus into the mix. You see, He would choose to see them as God designed them, not as how the hard world has shaped them. His character is one that never gives up on seeing the good in a person, believing in them, championing them, and letting them know they are loved. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.” So, choose to see the best and share the heart of your creator with those who share your blood.

The biggest secret-agent-serial-killer of harmony and healthy family dynamics is unspoken expectations. Having hidden expectations sets both sides up for complete failure. Some of the best advice my counselor ever gave me was that it takes TWO people who are consciously choosing to work toward ONE reality for it to actually happen. How is this humanly possible if the expectations aren’t communicated and both parties don’t know what they are working toward. You don’t do anyone any favors by expecting something of them but not letting them KNOW you are expecting it. It’s like Pheobe in Friends… “They don’t KNOW we know they know we know...” Haha! Bottom line: It’s never gonna happen unless you’re both aware of what you want family to look like and you are both working toward it.

Insights on navigating healthy family dynamics when you ARE the parent:

He’s really instilled in me in this season of my life that what you cultivate dominates. Do you want the Pearson family from This Is Us? Cultivate it! He’s been calling me to intentionally work toward the family I want for my future NOW! (If this means you have to carry around a playlist on your phone with heartfelt background music for those spontaneous, meaningful conversations, then you DO that!!!) But in all seriousness, if you want a family that’s comfortable talking together, laughing together, and hugging each other? Cultivate it NOW! Create events or activities that spark conversation or laughter. Be vulnerable with your kids about your struggles if you want them to reciprocate. Don’t tell yourself that it’ll eventually look like how you want it to when the kids get older, or one day when we have more money, more time… No! They will do what feels natural to them. So, make it natural, model an environment where this type of family interaction is consistent and NORMAL, not awkward. Lead by example, and pray for creative partnership with the Holy Spirit and pioneer the future you want to see.

I pray this was helpful and encouraging! If not, I hope it at least made you laugh a time or two. I prayed for an anchor scripture to infuse in this post, but ya know, if I’m being real… He just didn’t give me that; instead, He showed me Jesus—emulating the character and discipline of Jesus in any situation will always produce the fruit you’re looking for.

Also, because I’m a bit crazy on the Pop Culture references, here’s a graphical reference guide for your viewing pleasure: