Infidelity & the Church: Living an Interruptible Life

It’s now the morning of August 17th, 2018. I haven’t slept at all. I am counting down the minutes until my phone says it’s 7 AM. And then I promptly call my friend Ashton Harwood. She picks up right away, and the second I hear her voice it sends me into sobs. I can barely pull myself together to stutter the words, “I caught Cord cheating on me last night.” You can hear that she is shocked, but she calmly asks me for more information. She must have had me on speakerphone as I can hear her husband Jon in the background clarifying the details with her that I am sharing. They both immediately spring into action. Ashton invites me and my kids over to her house to spend the day with her. Jon reaches out to Cord. Within less than an hour, my kids and I show up on their doorstep. Ashton had coffee ready and had pulled out toys for my kids to play with. We spend the day together, and she listens to me outwardly process the events of the night.

I combed through every detail of our marriage, trying to figure out how I had missed that this was happening. I could tell from the conversations I found in the dating apps that my husband had been talking to these girls for many months. It wasn’t a new thing. As we talked, Ashton had so much wisdom. She related to my pain, sharing the details of the journey she and her husband had gone through years before, and she shared with me how, even through all the suffering, they healed. Her story gave me hope. That, my friends, is the power of your testimony. Her testimony gave me eyes to see that reconciliation was possible. I first heard their story 2 years prior, long before I ever knew that I would someday find myself walking the same road. When I found myself walking in their shoes and it felt like all hope was lost for my marriage, their testimony gave me what I needed to believe in the power of Jesus to heal my pain. Can I just take a second to encourage you– whatever your story is, find a way to share it. You never know who might need to hear it, who may need the hope you carry. In the book of Revelation it says that we overcome the enemy by the blood of Jesus and by the word of our TESTIMONY. [Rev. 12:11] You can destroy the works of the devil by sharing how Jesus has redeemed your life!

As the morning turned to early afternoon, my kids were getting tired and cranky and needed naps, so I decided to head home. I tried to help her clean up the toys as the kids really did a doozy on her house, but she wouldn’t let me. Did I mention to you that Ashton was 8 months pregnant with twins? Or that it was her birthday? And that she was going on a date that night with her husband to celebrate? I am sure it wasn’t in her plans to have her house trashed before a babysitter was scheduled to come. I am sure it wasn’t easy to clean up the mess, being 8 months pregnant with twins. This wasn’t the way she planned to spend her birthday. Later that night, they went on their date night. But they ended their night early so that Jon could meet with Cord and our small group leader, Eric. They all met that night over at the Harwood’s house. Cord was inwardly spiraling out of control. He still wasn’t ready to take ownership of his actions or to tell any of us the full truth. He confessed some things to them that night that were true, but he didn’t share the full truth. Ashton called me afterward to tell me all that had happened, and I just knew that he was still lying. …More on that later. 

Ashton and Jon allowed their lives to be interrupted that day. We were in the same small group with them, and we were acquaintances with them at the time. But we weren’t best friends by any means. They didn’t have to open up their home or their hearts and lives to us. But they did. They believed in the transforming power of Jesus because they had experienced it first hand. And when an opportunity came up to extend that love to another hurting couple, they jumped at the chance. It didn’t matter to Ashton that it was her birthday. It didn’t matter to her that my kids messed up her house. They allowed their lives to be interrupted because the Kingdom came calling. Ashton and Jon have walked this road with us ever since. Our friendship has deepened, and they have become so much more than friends to us. They are family. 

I share this part of the story to say this: Let your life be interruptible. I truly believe that the Kingdom of God comes knocking at our door at the most inconvenient times. If Ashton wouldn’t have taken the time to love me the way she did, I think I would have left my husband that day. I realize that you might be thinking that I should have (considering you don’t know the rest of the story yet). But I promise you this—I am so glad I stayed, and you’ll soon understand why.

Also, I want to add that you do not have to have personal experience of walking through infidelity to be able to walk with someone going through it. Another friend of mine, Melissa, has been an incredible support to me, and she has no experience of walking through infidelity. She would watch my kids for me when I went to counseling. She regularly asked me how I was doing and would listen and pray, and she wasn’t afraid to ask me about it. She wasn’t afraid of my pain even though she couldn’t relate. She was compassionate.

We all want to have powerful ministry encounters. But many of us want those powerful encounters to come when we feel like it’s convenient. You know... like at the ministry prayer line where there is a time limit… But, I really believe that we will experience the most life-transforming ministry moments when we allow our lives to be interrupted. Will it be messy? Yes. But Jesus never shies away from messy people. He unwaveringly moves towards them. To live like Jesus is to love people in the middle of their mess. Galatians 6:1-3 really sticks out to me when I think about this time in our lives, and it says,

“Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.”
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Next week, Cord is opening up and sharing on the blog his journey into infidelity and about a powerful encounter that he had that allowed him to take responsibility and ownership of the damage he caused in our relationship. I can’t wait for you to hear his perspective!

Cassie Shaffer

The Vineyard Church // Urbana IL