Navigating Grief: Turning “Why Me?” into “Come, Holy Spirit”
The morning of Easter 2015 is etched into my memory as one of the hardest days of my life. I remember the out-of-body experience of navigating our small house, my parents and extended family guiding me from moment to moment.
Here’s the breakfast.
Here’s your dress.
Here are Easter baskets that someone made for the kids.
Here are your kids.
Here’s the car.
Just nine days earlier, my husband had collapsed at work from a massive brain aneurysm. He’d been in the ICU on life support ever since. After the doctors told me we’d lost him, I was hoping the machines would keep his body alive long enough for my in-laws to come say their goodbyes. Matthias was brain dead, and as soon as I gave permission to flip the switch, I’d be a 32-year-old unemployed widow with a toddler, a newborn, and a very uncertain future.
In the chaos, I ached to do something normal. The most normal thing for me to do on Easter was church, so that’s what I did. As I found my seat in the auditorium, Matt Maher’s “Because He Lives” filled the room. I opened my mouth to sing the words and almost choked on them.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, every fear is gone.
I know He holds my life, my future in His hands.
Could I sing that? Do I want to face tomorrow? My fear isn’t gone… it’s right here! Could I trust God with my life after the way He handled my husband’s?
A lot has changed since that moment five years ago. Matthias miraculously woke up from brain death the next day and has made a slow but astonishing recovery. I found myself in the School of Kingdom Ministry, which provided much needed context and theology for processing what had happened, and helped me embrace an exciting identity and destiny as a child of God. I belong to a wonderful local church community and get to serve in ways that are incredibly meaningful and life-giving to me. At first glance, this appears to be a case of “happily ever after,” but behind the scenes, the circumstances of my life continue to be heartbreaking. Matthias needs more recovery. Our young children have already surpassed him in their ability to communicate, reason, and move their bodies. Most days, I feel like a single mom who’s also caring for a disabled adult while grieving her dead husband.
This situation has deeply impacted what I expect in life. A lot of us grow up with an innate drive to create “a good life” for ourselves. We work to avoid things like pain, loneliness, illness, and poverty. We’re surprised and frustrated when they happen. We may be confused or angry in those moments and we cry out to God, asking “Why me?” or “When will You fix it?”
I certainly did. God doesn’t usually swoop in with a quick answer though, does He? If you have a different experience, please tell me your secrets! What I HAVE found to be true is that a simple prayer of “Holy Spirit, come” is answered every time.
How The Holy Spirit Can Meet Us in Our Grief
As I learn to pray this simple prayer more and more regularly, I’m realizing it’s perhaps the most powerful thing I can do in grief, and it’s the reason I’m okay today. Here’s why:
The answer to “Holy Spirit, come” is always Yes. Jesus says the Spirit will be with us forever. (John 14:16) Praying “Holy Spirit, come” isn’t a desperate plea for God’s attention but an acknowledgement of a fundamental assurance we have as believers. When there’s not much to be sure of, there’s great relief in knowing we can be sure the Holy Spirit is with us.
The Holy Spirit comforts us in suffering. There’s no need to hold it together. David didn’t, and I suggest praying his psalms in those times when you don’t have words, or when you’re just too tired to put words around what you’re feeling. In John 14:26, Jesus refers to the Spirit as the Helper, the Advocate, the Comforter. THE. There are plenty of things that could provide us with passing comfort, but that’s like putting a tiny bandaid on a big wound. It might be ok briefly, but it won’t be enough in the long run, and eventually the bandaids will run out. Big pain needs big care, and who’s bigger than God? Praying “Holy Spirit, come” creates a safe space for me to release the full extent of my pain while leaning into the right kind of comfort.
The Holy Spirit shows us what God’s doing. Who else has screamed, “What are you doing, God?!” when things got tough? While God doesn’t cause evil things to happen, He’s always at work right in the middle of them. The Spirit sheds light on that work. “For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.” (1 Corinthians 2:11) And the Spirit’s good at sharing, friends. What’s He telling you about your suffering? In my own crisis, I discovered a direct invite to slow down. It was an unexpected gift to me, a doer who can do too much. I’m learning to recognize and welcome God’s invitations to rest.
We not only need the Spirit to show us what God’s doing, but we need Him to help us participate. God wants to do this stuff WITH us! I’m always reminded of Genesis 1, when the Spirit hovered over the formless, empty, dark. God spoke, and nothing became something. When we invite the Spirit to hover over the formless, dark, and empty places in our own lives, then say yes to what God is speaking, those spaces begin to take shape. God invited me to rest, but I had to say yes and do it. As I did, God conditioned me to operate from an internal position of rest, and it overflows into my life. I’m not easily flustered anymore, and He uses that to bless others and make me an effective leader when the pressure’s on and things are nuts. What is God inviting you to do (or not do) with Him in the midst of your own challenges? How might that bleed into other areas of life in wonderful ways?
Finally, the Holy Spirit connects us to hope. Paul writes that God has given us the Spirit as a deposit, a guarantee of what’s to come (2 Corinthians 1:22). We have the ultimate spoiler alert! We know who wins in the end and as difficult as this life can be, it’s also temporary. One day, Jesus will return and all will be made right. If my husband isn’t healed on this side of Heaven, it’ll happen on the other side.
For believers, any healing is just a matter of time! The real question is “How will I live until then?”A healthy answer should be multifaceted and include a number of things like good counseling, vibrant community, solid rhythms, engaged service, practicing gratitude, sabbath, retreats, etc. While all of those are immensely helpful, I wouldn’t want to do any of them without the Holy Spirit. My spiritual director asked me earlier today what advice I’d give to someone in my position, and that was my answer. If life is this hard WITH the Holy Spirit, how much more without Him? I can’t even imagine, and it compels me outward to find people who are grieving without God. It’s a grim reality for too many.
Back to Easter Sunday in 2015… I did choose to sing the song. I didn’t feel strong or sure as I did, but a sense of God’s presence came over me, and it was enough. He makes us strong enough to do what seems impossible. That was just the first of many instances where I felt empowered by the Holy Spirit to do hard things. God was and continues to be so generous with His presence. Over the years, another song has begun to echo in my heart:
“Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,’
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.”
(Psalm 139:7-12)
Kim Beyer
Vineyard Columbus // Columbus, OH