Infidelity & the Church: “Why I Cheated”
Up until this point in our story, you have only heard my (Cassie’s) perspective. But today, we want to share Cord’s perspective. His side of this story is really where the power of our testimony lies. We have been writing these blog posts in partnership with each other, and we see great value in bringing Cord’s voice into all of this, creating the space for him to share why he cheated in the first place and what brought him to “rock bottom”. We’ve decided to take an interview style approach.
Cassie: “What was your journey into infidelity?”
Cord: “It was never my intention to cheat on my wife. I always wanted to be a good husband and father, someone that my children could look up to. Part of me hoped/thought, that getting married would end my pornography addiction. I thought it would eliminate what I saw as me just needing my sexual needs fulfilled. What I found after getting married though, was that even though I found sex with my wife fulfilling in the moment, I couldn’t keep myself from being drawn back to pornography. But, it’s important to add that pornography was never fulfilling either—it was an easy fix to the internal struggle that was eating at me. As time went on, intimacy with you became increasingly more difficult because of the overwhelming shame I was experiencing over my hidden pornography addiction. And even more so when my addiction evolved into cheating. Over time, pornography lost its allure. It was staged and fake, and I began wanting a similar experience but something that felt more real. I would stumble across videos of real couples, and then I would stumble across porn sites that had chat rooms… It was a slow progression but eventually, I found myself downloading dating apps because I wanted to talk to real girls and have interactions with them. Every time I would cross a new boundary, I would feel overcome with shame afterward. And I would tell myself that I would never do it again. But then… later… I would be tempted again by that new thing, and I wouldn’t be able to talk myself out of it. I would think, What was the harm in doing it again? I had already done it once so why did it matter if I did it again? I was already ‘that guy’. Each time it became easier and easier. Every time I did it, I was ‘the guy who cheated’. Eventually, talking with girls on these dating apps and exchanging pictures with them evolved into meeting up with them. I never got emotionally involved with any of the girls. I went by an alias, and to the old me, they were simply a means to an end.
Cassie: “What brought you to rock bottom?”
Cord: “It wasn’t one experience; it was more like a chain of events. Obviously, the night the dating apps were found on my phone and we had a confrontation played a part in it. But that was just the first part in a chain reaction of events. That morning when I went into work, I was dealing with the shock of having been caught and completely terrified that my big secret was out—but also a little relieved. I was spiralling out of control and was still internally trying to manage the damage and hide the full extent of what I had done. Cassie, I thought that if you knew all that I had done… you would leave. I felt like I needed to minimize that damage to try to save our family. I wrote you a letter while I worked that day, and it was full of lies. I remember sending it to you and instantly thinking, What the heck is wrong with me?! She isn’t going to believe this. And you didn’t. You texted back just moments later calling me on my lies again. At this point, I was in contact with our friend, Jon, and was planning to meet with him and our small group leader later that night. I think both guys knew that night that I was in self-preservation mode. They were very compassionate but also straight forward. Jon said something to me that night that actually got through to me. He told me that if I wanted any chance to save my marriage, that I needed to come out with the full truth now, that if I held anything back and then it resurfaced later, any effort that I had made in restoring my marriage up until that point would be destroyed. His words didn’t fully sink in that night, but the next day at work, they kept ringing in my ears. By the end of my workday, his words were haunting me. I wanted to tell the truth. But I couldn’t. Every time I thought of how to put the words together I would find myself just coming up with more lies. At that point, I knew I needed some help.
Cassie: “What did you do to get the help you needed?”
Cord: “I decided to go to church and find my friend/pastor to see if he would pray with me. As a side note, I think it is important to stress that when I got caught, a lot of stuff was shaken up in my inner world. For years, I battled this internal voice that would reassure me that the destructive choices I was making would bring me fulfillment. And then the instant I gave in to the voice and let it reassure me I was safe, the voice would turn on me and fill me with shame. For years, I thought this voice was mine… It was a part of me… It was like a friend that you go on a walk with. As you take a few steps, it trips you, and you get really mad that it tripped you. But then it reaches out a hand to help you up, and you are grateful it helped pick you up after you fell. That’s what this inner voice felt like, like an enemy and friend at the same time. When I got caught, this voice came up to the surface, and after I wrote that letter to you, I began to be able to differentiate between this voice and my own. I saw how ridiculous this voice was… how it was influencing me to do really stupid things. I wanted to tell the truth about the life I had been living, to come clean. But this inner voice was freaking out! When I went to church that night, I met with Jon and one of our Pastors, Dan. It was an intense experience for me. Dan was able to explain to me that the experience I was having was the manifestation of a demonic spirit. After some time of talking, he cast the demonic spirit out of me and then prayed for me to be filled with the Holy Spirit. The best way to explain how I felt afterwards was to say that a gigantic weight was lifted off of me. I was able to think clearly. I was able to confess the full truth to Jon and Dan without this voice trying to convince me otherwise. I finally felt… free. Freedom didn’t exactly feel fun, though. It meant that I had to go home and confess everything to my wife. I had a lot of fear because I didn’t know the response I would get. It could be the conversation that ended our marriage. But I was finally able to own my mess and whatever consequences came of it without an internal war. I felt God’s peace coming home to you that night. That sounds absurd, but it’s true. It was painful to look you in the eyes and tell you the extent of my affairs but I was finally able to say the words and I felt peace no matter the outcome. I felt free for the first time to be the man I longed to be, owning my mistakes.
Both Cord and I believe that without the deliverance Cord experienced that night, our marriage would not have survived. In our final post (next week), we will be sharing some of the practical things that we did to partner with the Holy Spirit to bring healing into our relationship. But none of that would have been effective without the deliverance. If we could stress anything from this part of our story it would be this: take emotional and spiritual healing seriously as well as deliverance ministry. Get trained. Understand the authority you carry. And look at sin as more than just behavioral issues. Understand the spiritual influences at play. And please don’t hear us say that Cord didn’t have to take responsibility for his actions. We are not minimizing or dismissing that. But he would not have been able to if he would not have had the deliverance.
Ephesians 6:12 (NLT) says, “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”
We are grateful that Dan invested in learning and growing in this important aspect of ministry. He was prepared to deal with what came that night without a moment’s notice, and it changed the trajectory of our lives and this story.
Cord & Cassie Shaffer
The Vineyard Church // Urbana, IL