Canceling Cancel-Culture
I was standing in the kitchen close to midnight, my heart racing and temperature rising, with my own voice echoing through the house. My mother stared blankly at me, turned around, and walked out. I took a breath. I could feel the air, thick all around me. I took another breath. In the pit of my stomach, I felt this heaviness, disappointment, and regret. I thought, “I can’t believe I did that and said that. This can’t be all there is. There has to be more. I will find the more.”
What you need to know is that in college, I really started to find my voice as an activist. I was passionate about women’s empowerment and equality. I was committed to actively fighting for racial equity and the hard work of racial restoration and reconciliation. It was a beautiful thing to find my voice and come alive to a piece of my calling. The problem was, I had no idea that God wanted to be a part of this calling, and because I didn’t see the Church modeling any kind of pursuit of social justice, I just sort of imitated what I saw in secular circles.
What I saw was outrage, public shaming of people and organizations that perpetuated injustice, and instant rejection of those who did not 100% agree with the cause. What I saw was this refusal to be in relationship with or even associate with someone who didn’t see things exactly the way I did. This is what we call cancel-culture.
And this cancel-culture drove the conversation with my mother that night. In a late-night, heated conversation about women’s rights, she defended a public figure whom I believed to be an outright misogynist. Instead of leaning in to understand why she was saying what she said, I blew up. I yelled, nearly screaming, “How dare you! How could you even believe this? What’s wrong with you? You are what is wrong with the system!”
In the profound silence that followed her exit, I knew that this was not the way (as Psalm 34:14 suggests) to “seek peace and pursue it.” I realized, in that moment, that I chose to obey an ideology that told me to turn on my family, friends, and closest relationships for the sake of a cause. I became enslaved to the philosophies of men and opinionated thought. I wanted to do good, but I was using fear, shame, and punishment as tactics to change people and systems. This is not the way of Jesus.
You can look nearly anywhere and see the influence of cancel-culture. Have you ever seen someone on social media post these words: “If you are offended/disagree, unfriend me right now”? That’s cancel-culture 101, my dudes. The underlying belief of cancel-culture is that if you do not conform to my belief system, if you appear to oppose me, then I cannot be in relationship with you, and furthermore, it is my responsibility to make sure others are not in relationship with you. And I am virtuous for doing so.
That’s probably the thing that scares me the most about cancel-culture: somehow it is not only the normal thing to do, but the right thing, to cut people out of your life without a second thought. You can say one wrong thing, and boom, they’re done with you. Fear, shame, and punishment are the fruit of this culture.
But we are called to a higher standard.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:18-19
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”John 15:12
We as disciples, as students of the Rabbi Jesus Christ, are called to follow in his ways. We can look at countless stories of Jesus rejecting shame and condemnation and embracing love and mercy. There’s the story of Zacchaeus, the woman at the well, the parable of the prodigal son, the woman caught in adultery, and, hello, like all of the disciples before Jesus. As I study the life of Jesus, I can confidently tell you that fear, shame, and punishment are not how he chose to accomplish God’s purpose on the earth. He chose and continues to choose to come close, to have the hard conversation, and give grace. He makes zero assumptions about people’s motives or hearts. He wins hearts with mercy, patience, and understanding.
Let me be real with you for a minute. Several friends have expressed to me this fear of speaking out against racism or even just having a conversation about racism. They fear what they say will be offensive, not enough, ignorant, or just wrong. So, they say nothing. And here’s the truth. When cancel-culture is louder than Kingdom Culture in our lives, we contribute to an environment where people cannot speak vulnerably or honestly for fear of losing relationships. People cannot freely ask questions without the fear of being labeled or accused. People cannot be open to correction because if you point out a shortcoming, then it must mean you are leaving them. This fear is silencing and sidelining people from this good and holy work of reconciliation.
Cancel-culture is completely counterproductive to the mission of racial reconciliation or any cause for that matter. If we do not have the security of acceptance and unconditional love in our relationships, then we live with the insecurity of rejection and abandonment in our relationships. When people have security in relationships, they are more likely to be vulnerable, to be open to correction, and to take risks. Mutual respect, a commitment to listening to understand, decreased defensiveness, and increased humility are all necessary for healthy relationships and partnerships that change the world.
Today, my mother and I have a strong relationship, but it did not happen overnight. For a while, we had to avoid certain topics of conversation while we dealt with pain and rebuilt trust. Yet over the years, she has kept her heart open and continues to have hard conversations with me. When she disagrees with me, she speaks up. When she offends me, I let her know, and we talk it out. We are now able to have incredible conversations about Jesus, justice, and mercy. I am so thankful for her.
As someone who perpetuated cancel-culture for years, I’d just like to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry if someone judged your entire life story based on one internet comment. I’m sorry if someone demonized you before they even tried to understand you. I’m sorry if someone, out of their own pain and fear, abandoned you because of a difference in opinion or perspective. I’m sorry if one or many experiences of being put down and shamed has turned you away from the work of racial restoration and reconciliation entirely. For that last one, I am especially sorry.
As someone who has had to relearn healthy communication and relationships, I’d like to invite you to experience relationships that are safe and fulfilling: relationships that don’t demand you are perfect and threaten you when you are not, relationships that can handle crucial conversations and won’t crack under pressure, relationships where you know the difference between being shamed and feeling shame, relationships that rebuke you when you’ve got it wrong but also offer forgiveness, restoration, and redemption.
Kingdom Culture/Relationship isn’t just a good idea. It doesn’t just make our lives more pleasant. In fact, I guarantee you this work doesn’t always feel pleasant. Kingdom Relationship is a weapon. It actively pushes the darkness back, one relationship at a time. It creates space for real transformation to take place by the power of the Holy Spirit. No one is going to do this perfectly, and we all need one another.
Commit to asking questions. Commit to sitting with someone longer than feels comfortable in order to understand. Commit to repentance. Commit to putting up boundaries in a relationship before abandoning them as a first response. Commit to loving each other the way our Lord Jesus has loved you. And for the love of all things holy, commit to canceling the cancel-culture.
Tess Hernandez
The Vineyard Church // Urbana, IL
